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Literature Text
She wanted to be the Snow Queen.
None of us could understand it-- we all wanted warm and sun and away-from-here-please, but she wanted to be the Snow Queen. The ruler of the winters we all hated.
She told us this on the ancient playground floored in cracked concrete full of metal swings and metal slides and metal monkey bars, under a flat dark sky that looked more like a far-off roof than clouds, playing with a dead weed the color of wet cardboard that had worked its way through one of the hairline fractures in the cement we stood on, and the only color was our jackets, and even they looked washed out.
One of us asked her why, and she said, "Because everything in winter is gray and brown and dead and ugly-- except snow. Snow is white and blue and pure and beautiful. I want to be able to make it snow."
She always talked like that.
Maybe we didn't understand her. Maybe we didn't want to. Maybe some of us did want to, but were scared to try. And maybe she was lonesome because of it. But she never showed us, if she was. She'd talk to us, and we'd talk to her, sometimes, and maybe she was on the outside of our circles, but if she was, we didn't see it. Or we didn't care. And maybe it was because of more than just the fact that, instead of wanting to escape our drab, ugly, frigid winters, she wanted to change them.
But we never thought it was this bad.
Never thought we were this bad.
She'd stopped telling us her dreams and imaginings years ago-- even she knew we were too old for that, now. But we all knew she'd never stopped having them. And we knew she still wanted to be the Snow Queen. Still wanted to change things.
It snowed one night, a rare heavy snowfall when we were in high school, having almost forgotten the colorless playground, and if we thought of her at all, as we sat in our warm yellow-lit living rooms or our mahogany-and-burgundy dining rooms or our bedrooms with posters of teenage heartthrobs on the walls, it was that she'd like this, this snow. But most of us didn't think of her.
Not until she went missing.
They found a few days later, lying in this gorgeous impractical lacy white dress (the kind of thing she loved to wear) in the snow, in the forest that looked like a wildland instead of a half-mile of uncleared trees and bushes between one development and the next, as blue as the shadows around her.
We all felt horribly guilty, for a time. And sad. We'd lost one of our own. Some of us had never lost anyone our age before. Some of us had never lost anyone at all.
But she's probably happy.
Because the thing is, to be the Snow Queen, you have to be frozen all the way through.
And she wanted to be the Snow Queen.
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Yeah. I'm not very fond of the title. Any suggestions for improvements?
Not just about the title, about the whole thing. I've never done something narrated this way before, so it was a bit of a new experience, but I like things that are narrated from the 'crowd,' you know? Like the Magic Schoolbus books.
Some things to consider:
1) I'm not sure about the last line. Should I cut it?
2) Does the pacing work?
3) Is the narrator effective?
4) What do you get out of this piece? Does it effect you emotionally?
5) Is my writing style effective for this kind of piece? I'm a bit matter-of-fact for poetry, and it can be problematic.
6) Do you like it? How can I do better next time?
Inspired by [link] by *nymphs-and-the-wolf for #Lit-Visual-Alliance's Winter contest here: [link] .
Not just about the title, about the whole thing. I've never done something narrated this way before, so it was a bit of a new experience, but I like things that are narrated from the 'crowd,' you know? Like the Magic Schoolbus books.
Some things to consider:
1) I'm not sure about the last line. Should I cut it?
2) Does the pacing work?
3) Is the narrator effective?
4) What do you get out of this piece? Does it effect you emotionally?
5) Is my writing style effective for this kind of piece? I'm a bit matter-of-fact for poetry, and it can be problematic.
6) Do you like it? How can I do better next time?
Inspired by [link] by *nymphs-and-the-wolf for #Lit-Visual-Alliance's Winter contest here: [link] .
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Comments10
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This was a bit...different from what I expected, after reading the title. But that's good!
1. It ends it nicely, though its really more if you want to cut it or not. Personally, I like it.
2. The pacing is nice, nothing to worry about.
3. I liked the narrative style, yes. It works for this.
4. It sort of effects me. I think, though, if you wrote this were it effected the narrator more, it would effect the reader more.
5. It seems not so much poetry as poetic prose. But if that what you meant, then I don't see anything wrong.
6. I do like. A bit depressing, but not too much, which is good. If you do write sadder prose/poetry again, my only suggestion to get the readers to feel more effected would be to effect the narrator more.
1. It ends it nicely, though its really more if you want to cut it or not. Personally, I like it.
2. The pacing is nice, nothing to worry about.
3. I liked the narrative style, yes. It works for this.
4. It sort of effects me. I think, though, if you wrote this were it effected the narrator more, it would effect the reader more.
5. It seems not so much poetry as poetic prose. But if that what you meant, then I don't see anything wrong.
6. I do like. A bit depressing, but not too much, which is good. If you do write sadder prose/poetry again, my only suggestion to get the readers to feel more effected would be to effect the narrator more.